Passive-Aggressives

There are a certain number of people we deal with, whether in our personal or professional lives, who deal with most situations in a passive-aggressive way. There is another segment of the population who occasionally deal with problems in a passive-aggressive way.

What do I mean by this behavior? It's passive resistance or covert obstructionism. It's behavior that consciously on unconsciously fights demands for adequate performance in work or social situations. It can be caused by people feeling they're being judged or by generally fighting authority. It's just not overt, either because the person doesn't feel he or she is free to express feelings or because the person is uncomfortable with confrontation. It can definitely get in the way of progress.

Some examples are:

1. Procrastination
2. Stubbornness
3. Sullenness
4. Inefficiency

We can't escape it. It's present in our teammates, in our employees, in our bosses, and in our families. So, what do we do?

1. First, we respectfully address it with the other individuals. How direct we are depends on the person and our relationship with them (this is tricky with bosses and may never work or even be worth trying to fix when we have no leverage). It's critical that we focus on the behavior, not the self-worth of the individual. It's not the person we are having difficulty with, it's the behavior.
2. We share our perceptions and solicit theirs. We try to understand their viewpoint and hopefully get them to see ours. We have to be willing to suspend our beliefs during the perception-gathering phase.
3. We should think about our potential role in the behavior. Are we being so heavy-handed in the relationship that the only way the person believes he or she can deal with us is to respond in a passive-aggressive way?
4. Once we have shared our thoughts, if the other person agrees that the behavior exists, we should be willing to help them as they try to fight it, perhaps by reminding them when it is occurring. If the person is a direct report at work, we can revisit the behavior as we periodically meet for our 1:1 sessions. We can also support them if they seek professional help to overcome the behavior.
5. If the person cannot see the behavior (and we still believe it exists) or acknowledges it, but is unwilling to make any behavior modifications, then we either need to learn to live with the behavior (only in personal, boss, or peer situations) or take steps to remove the person from our team or from our interactions.
6. The one thing I don't think we can afford to do, especially in a work environment, is overlook the behavior.

Passive-aggressive behavior is totally unproductive. It's our responsibility to wisely work to address the behavior so it will not impede our responsibilities.

How do you deal with passive-aggressive behavior? It is as big a problem as I appear to see it?

What do you want to be known for?

You've seen it, haven't you? You work with someone who is just naturally talented. Perhaps James is a great speaker and presenter. He can engage a crowd and have them eating out of the palm of his hand. Maybe Tanya is a great writer and thinker. She can churn out emails and documents that leave awe struck with her brain power. Perhaps Joe is a natural leader. His people literally crowd around him because of his magnetism. With all the brains and talent these people have, some of them really struggle with being successful. Why?

Often the reason you see people with such great talent struggle with success is that they're not performing the basics. The examples I mentioned above have so much going for them, yet they fail to:

• Follow up on their commitments
• Arrive at meetings on time...or even at all
• Return phone calls
• Meet deadlines

In a word, they lack credibility. They cannot be counted on. Those around people like this start to say, "wow, that was a great presentation..." and "gosh, that woman's thought process, being able to dig down through all the clutter, is amazing..." Then the people follow up their statements with "...but, he never got back to me on X" or "...but, she failed to follow through on her plans."

You know how to fix it: be disciplined as well as talented. Any number of people can provide you a road map for success. You just need to follow it.

What do you want to be know for? Do you want to be known for your great talent? Do you want to be remembered for your credibility and reliability? Or do you want to be remembered as a "...but, he" or ...but, she"?

It's your choice.

Check those personal problems at the door

Personal problems are something that every person has to deal with. Everyone has issues in his or her personal lives that can take up some or all of our free time: kids, relationships, money, health, etc. The rub comes when people start bringing their baggage to work.

For managers, what do you do when your people start bringing their personal problems to work? Your team members are paid to come to work...AND WORK, not sit around whining and complaining about the problems in their lives. They are supposed to focus and be productive. You've seen what it can do to an office or organization:

• Distract from work
• Depress the whole office
• Suck other people into the problems

As bosses, you have every right to expect your folks to focus on their duties while you're paying them. What can you do to keep personal problems from changing the atmosphere at work? You're not a heartless beast who cares nothing for those around you, so what do you do? Some suggestions I've heard are to:

• Set expectations up front (leave your problems at the door)
• Listen (like during 1:1 sessions)
• Help find counseling
• Provide time off, if necessary, to deal with the issues

I have two questions for you:

What other issues are caused by people bringing their personal problems to work?

What ways can bosses help their people while still completing the mission and ensuring customer care doesn't slip?

"No excuse, sir."

I was taught that, when I screwed up or my people screwed up and my boss wanted to know why, I had only one immediate answer: "no excuse, sir". I was accountable for my actions and those of the people under my supervision. I was acknowledging that accountability and making no excuses. Now, in most cases, unless I was just getting a good hard core butt-chewing where no explanation was wanted, I would be given a chance to explain what happened. There are times for explanations and there are times just for acknowledging accountability. There's never a time for excuses.

My point is this: as leaders, we need to stand up and be counted (this kind of goes along with my earlier post "your people"). We need to be mature and confident enough in our abilities and our values, that we don't hesitate to speak up when accountability is sought. Plus, what good are excuses anyway? They just make us look like we don't have a good handle on the situation or our team. They certainly don't move any initiative forward. Hopefully, we've been communicating often enough with our bosses, and both our and their expectations are properly aligned so we aren't even tempted to make excuses.

Is this too hard core an attitude? Is the "no excuse, sir" answer only applicable in an organization like the Army? Is there ever a good reason to make excuses?